Risks (part 2)

It seems-to use a tired phrase-I've taken one step forwards and two steps back.

For the first time in years I have a vague direction of where I want my life to go. I say the first time in years because the last time I was this sure of what it was I really wanted to spend the rest of my life doing was in Reception. I wanted to be a chocolate taster.

If all my current life ambitions fail me, that's my back up plan. Organisation pays, kids.

Yet despite all of these great plans and not so fleeting dreams, when opportunities arise, when they're really staring at me straight there in the face and are in no uncertain terms real. I fold.

I won't tell you what any of these great plans actually are, that would of course be far too intrusive for my liking. When people know what it is you aspire to do then there's pressure. Here, right now, nobody really knows my life ambitions. By my reasoning this means that nobody can watch me fail at them. Any decisions I make from now on are private, this way I will be the only way to know if and when I fall short. Everything is locked away safe, and fortunately I'm not organised enough to have made any copies of the key.

However after much thought I have decided to share with you what I think is the source of the problem.

I get scared when publishing these blogs. I fear that I won't have communicated my thoughts exactly the way I want to. That certain parts won't translate well. I fear criticism, rejection, and mockery. I want to do my inner most feelings (though of course I can oh so cleverly disguise my ramblings as my inner most feelings, when really they mean little to nothing at all) justice.

This fear translates into every day living as well. This past 2 years my confidence has built, I was finally becoming happy with who I was. But then something must have happened, I can't even pinpoint what it was, and my self belief became practically non existent. Perhaps it was a culmination of things that caused it to gradually disintegrate, I don't know. But it seems to be gone for the time being. I heard once that as soon as you gain confidence that's it, you've got it, you're fine. But I can't see how that can be true when there are so many things going against you. I imagine it as climbing a ladder to the stars when you're afraid of heights. You've got to keep looking up at the magic that awaits you, because if you look down you'll lose your nerve.

No matter how desperately I may want to take those first steps to achieving whatever it may be that I want, I just can't seem to. I stay static. Not even a shuffle. Because I know as soon as I put myself out there, as soon as I take those first steps, it feels like I'm setting myself up for a fall.

I know it's far nobler to try and fail rather than to not try at all. But my own self doubt and inability to take the risks that really mean anything stop me every time.

I once was told by a so called friend that I needed to 'get a backbone'. And although I can't even begin to attempt to explain to you how very wrong this person is about the vast majority of things they say, it strikes me as strange that this sentiment has stuck with me. Maybe I do need to get a backbone. Or maybe it was just that this so called friend made me feel worthless. Who knows? Fortunately I haven't spoken to said person in quite some time. And I'm all the happier for it.

What I do know is that I'm on that ladder and I think it's high time I got over my fear of heights.