extremes

Hello. I'm at university.

It's fucking weird.

Before you leave, everybody will tell you that university is a huge transition and lots of things are going to change for you but ultimately it's going to be the best three years of your life.

I have some issues with that.

Firstly, these will not be the best three years of my life. They just won't. I plan on making the rest of my life all kinds of awesome and these will not be the only years I look back on with joy. Things don't just stop after you've done the uni thing. Life goes on.

Secondly (and possibly lastly, I haven't really thought this through), though everybody acknowledges the change that you have to go through, nobody cares to mention that every single day here is an extreme. I am yet to have a day of just average. Average emotions and average activities. Everything happens at once. "Quick! We're taking away everything you've ever cared about! Make all these new friends! Live away from home! Look after yourself! Do a fucking DEGREE!" Separately you might be able to cope with these things, but when you're forced to deal with all of them all at once, it tends to be a wee bit soul destroying. I imagine living here is the closest I will ever come (touch wood) to being bipolar.

Example.

"Woo I'm meeting intellectual people that like things I like and we stay up till 3 in the morning just laughing and being ourselves and I finally understand what uni is all about. Gosh I'm lucky to be ALIVE!"

To...

"I miss my friends. Nobody here knows me at all. I don't want to hug a stranger. I'm ridiculously bad at meeting new people. I can't cook and my kitchen scares me."

It's exhausting.

I had to run to my kitchen to get breakfast this morning. Out of context that makes no sense. Sorry.

My room is very unhomey. This makes me sad.

open letters

Dear "Friends" I am yet to make,

Do not be offended by my use of air quotation marks. It's simply because you are the most daunting prospect about leaving the comfort of my own home. I do not believe I am going to make any of you. Ridiculous I know. Everybody thinks like this before they set off to university, but I genuinely don't see any of you in my future. You probably think I'm being melodramatic, but seriously I really don't expect you to like me. I'm an acquired taste. One that takes longer than a freshers week to comprehend. But in case (by some wild chance) I do happen to make some of you (and you compare in any way, shape or form to the ones I've already got and are quite happy with and do not want to leave) then there are a few things you should know.

Firstly, you are not replacements. Everything's changing and maybe I won't stay friends with everybody I want to, but there are approximately 5 people in this world that you are not better than. I don't care how much you love the same stuff I love, or if you possess a large amount of spirit or if you're the sister of my soul. I just don't. They win. Hands down. Sorry. It's nothing personal.

Secondly I think I should probably address my sense of humour. Sarcasm may indeed be the lowest form of wit, but it also happens to be my favourite. If you find I take joy in shooting you down, I probably like you. As long as there is a sense of playfulness to my tone, then honestly I'm not being a bitch. You'd know if I wasn't your biggest fan. Embrace the sarcasm. Learn to love it.

When we first meet I will be awkward, shy and generally anti-social. I know the glasses and the degree choice don't help matters. I'm bad at small talk. Let's get that over with as quickly and painlessly as possible and settle into being friends. I'll be better then. I promise.

Pronounce my name right and we'll be BFF's in no time.

Dear Friends,

No air quotation marks for you (see previous if you've cheated and skipped ahead), you're certain. Lucky you! I'm pretty darn selective and you've made the cut. Hurrah and suchlike!

I should probably be saying this to your faces. I imagine I'll write a letter to each of you. An actual letter. With paper and everything. But for now, this will do. I'm packing. Putting my 18 years into boxes and leaving the home I so ferociously adore. And I'm leaving you. Actually that's quite a vain way of seeing it. We're all leaving each other, I suppose.

You (and you all know who you are) have made this period of life so much more than just bearable. Your combined wit and humour, loyalty, generosity, honesty and just the tiniest sprinkle of magic are what is making this transition so painful. I am leaving, tomorrow. I keep having to say it to myself. It's not sinking in properly. I don't want it to.

I wish I could kid myself into thinking we'll stay exactly how we are and that we're stronger than distance and our friendship surpasses time; but If we fall apart and we never speak again, let us not clutch at half forgotten jokes when we see each other again, and let our friendships not fade with bitterness or even anger. Let's stay this way forever (in our memories if nothing else). 18 and in love with the world.

Dear Boy,

Who knows why I can't just say your name. Everyone that matters knows already and the Internet doesn't care. But oh well. A little ambiguity (even fake ambiguity) is always fun.

Why did you have to go and make life so much better? It's annoying.

Dear Family,

I'm not a complete disaster. I can't cook very well, but I'll cope. I think you did okay. In fact, I think you did way better than okay. Everything I ever achieve, it's all for you.

Lots of love,

Sara (no h).

(almost) perfect

It's late and I can tell you now that if you came here in hope of some high quality prose then I'd leave and continue your search elsewhere.

But there is no way I can go without recording today's events down.

Today (other than the fact I barely ate a thing, and what I did eat was pretty darn awful) was possibly one of the best days of my life. One of those days that I will undoubtedly remember parts of for years to come. One of those days that probably seems quite unremarkable from an outsider's point of view, but will have me smiling for days on end.

Sadly, one part of it is quite materialistic. Ignore that part as much as you can. Honestly, it really wasn't the highlight.

So I woke up this morning to the sound of my Dad calling my name, telling me my lovely, shiny new MacBook had arrived. This, in case you hadn't guessed already, is the materialistic part of the entry that you should probably avoid. I even put it right at the very start so you wouldn't really be missing out on anything. That and it's chronologically sound.

A friend had slept at my house the previous night, so we both gasped and gazed in wonder at my delightful new piece of technology. The post was particularly wonderful towards me today, bringing me my railcard as well. Wonderful!

We lazed around for quite some time, until deciding that getting ready would probably be a good option. She departed from my house, but not before we'd made plans to go on a driving adventure later on that day.

We ended up going to a relatively local forest and joked about being 'at one with nature', taking stupid pictures stood on wooden thrones and generally enjoying the surprising burst of sunshine. We continued this for a couple of hours and then headed home (listening to S Club 7 all the way. It had been the Grease soundtrack on the way there. Lucky we have immaculate singing voices, eh?). Another friend and myself then sort of spur of the moment (as things tend to be with him) decided to go to the cinema. We hid from people we knew and ran away at the end to avoid even more people. (500) Days of Summer is wonderful by the by and even managed to raise some semi-serious questions in the car later. A rarity, believe me.

This I believe is where things got particularly weird and particularly wonderful. This particular friend lives a ridiculously far way away. And I being the kind soul that I am, was giving said person a lift home. Except then we saw a sign for a lake near(ish not really) to his house. So we went to the lake. Now dear readers, this is the part which you may consider trespassing. However I disagree. Don't look at me like that. OK. It might have been. A bit. It's only a lake! Not even that good a one at that! There were other people there! They were scary.

So we wandered around a bit and sat down for a while and general looked at the sky and how beautifully bizarre the moon appeared. Then I got scared of the approaching voices and we left.

We next ventured to another viewpoint (which genuinely is near his house) and sat on the bonnet of my car for quite some time, looking at the lights of the town and the sky and the cars. It was honestly one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Then (with some difficulty) I finally dropped him home and headed home myself. Tired and hungry and feeling like nothing could ever be better than this.

new year(ish) resolution

So on my birthday I made a resolution. It was pretty simple really. To make my 18th year on this little planet my best year yet.

"Grand!" you might be thinking! "She'd never be able to give up chocolate or anything that required any kind of will power/dedication, therefore this is the perfect solution!"

Except here's the thing...I don't really know HOW to make this my best year yet.

I do have a few ideas though. Ones that I need to stop playing around with in my mind and make happen. Which I am doing, albeit slowly.

What seems like an age ago, I wrote these two ridiculous essay things (to be found near the beginning of this blog if you're really that interested) about risk taking. Namely how I needed to do more of it. Finally, months later, I seem to be actually doing some of that. Granted it's only little things right now, but it's a start. I constantly surprise myself by saying things I wouldn't normally say (though of course would like to) and doing things with less hesitation. Sounds stupid I know, but each and every one of them is like a mini victory for me. And if you can't take delight in the small things (pretty sure I wrote a blog with that exact title...lots of self referencing today) then you're just going to spend most of your time waiting for something big and exciting to happen. I don't know about you, but I don't really want to rest all of my happiness on monumental moments that will ultimately (as all things do) pass. Waiting becomes tiresome after a while.

I don't want days where I'm just sat around, waiting for something to happen, accomplishing nothing. This is starting to sound like some kind of preemptive midlife crisis. I can assure you it's not. I'm just trying to get better at living in the now instead of the past and the future. I want to be challenged.

Honestly, if you can think of anything to help me with this new initiative then I'd appreciate it.

I love pretending I actually have an audience.