the end (well, not really)

So here it is, the last day!

I know I haven't been the best of bloggers, but it's been fun. We've had some laughs me and you. We've also had some depressive rants and some silly thinking. But mostly I like to think we'll both remember the laughs.

I want to finish on a high but it turns out I don't have very much to say.

I'm going to a party tomorrow night and I can almost guarantee I'll end up blogging something about it. It may even be coded and guarded. They're the BEST kind of blogs, right?

I need to finish reading The Odyssey and I need to find some inspiration and I need to be a bit more interesting.

Please?

In other news I really need to get me a copy of Looking for Alaska sometime soon. My father was kind enough to purchase me Paper Towns and Katherine's whilst in the States a few months ago. He was there when Obama won the election. Jealous? Me? No. Never. He bought me a badge though, so I suppose that makes up for it a bit.

It's strange this blog. It used to be incredibly private. Nobody knew of it's existence. My own little pocket of web to indulge in silly ramblings or intense thought. But now with Twitter being something a few of my friends use and suchlike, it's a bit less private. I'm not complaining, nor am I assuming that any of my friends read this (though I know a couple do), but I think there's something to be said for anonymity on the Internet. I like people reading some things I write, whereas some other things are quite personal. Admittedly I shouldn't post anything personal on the Internet as I know there's a chance it could be read by someone I know, but sometimes it feels like it's the only (and undoubtedly the best) form of release I have. It's an irritating little paradox and it annoys me that I've deleted a few earlier posts because of it, but as is life. I don't want to think about it too much, it's making my head hurt.

Despite copious amounts of tea, I'm still really rather exhausted.

foolish

So apparently it's that time of year again...

And no, I'm not referring to exams.

It's the time of year when my nose itches and my eyes go all red and horrible and I sneeze every two minutes.

Oh yes, it's HAY FEVER time.

I never used to get it. Now I VERY MUCH DO.

40 minutes of lying in the park + one stolen flower later and I'm a complete and utter wreck.

Oh well. It was worth it. Probably.

Oh and don't worry, I'm almost certain it's not swine flu.

"What are you thinking about?" "...not much"

angst

I've been reading some old blog entries from when we all used to blog on MSN spaces.

LOL at my angst.

hot beverages

Yesterday, I had a genuine conversation that ended in "you could write about this in your blog".

So here we go. I warn you, I think this can only be considered cute and endearing if you happen to like me quite a large amount. Otherwise I just sound a bit crazy.

I was discussing hot drinks, and if asked out for such a drink what it would be I chose. I decided to narrow it down to the three main contenders; tea, coffee and hot chocolate.

Let's start with coffee. Coffee would be chosen if I were trying to seem sophisticated and literary. The cool city type that I'm just completely not.

Tea would be chosen if I was perhaps being slightly more myself. Going for the whole quaint, "oh how very BRITISH of you" type vibe.

Hot chocolate is chosen for occasions when I'm trying to be cute and precious and perhaps even a little ditzy.

I think about things too much.

made of awesome

I don't want a theological debate right now (though normally I'm more than open to them), nor do I want to discuss my lack of posting.

But I really do love God.

In other news, I had an informal interview today at Bangor University and the guy offered me a lower conditional offer.

WIN.

put on your dancing shoes

I want to dance all night long in my heels, forget about exams and do something impulsive just once.

I hate all that ridiculous teenage drama and the kissing boys your mother would sorely disapprove of, but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could be a little more carefree. Not so uptight. Not so...me.

Sometimes I feel so boring in comparison to all the infinitely more fascinating than me people I know.

I don't know. I don't even know what I want.

I think I'll go do some work or something. That'll help.
Le sigh.

ironic

Time for some comic relief.

So some of the more dramatically inclined members of my youth group are doing some drama for a youth event that's coming up on Saturday. One of the pieces involves a few of us taking on the role of a sin/temptation. Now originally I was going to be addiction. I didn't particularly think I'd be too wonderful at acting drunk on stage (as I'm rarely drunk in real life) but this was fine. This was more than fine. This was positively DANDY in comparison to the role I later received.

Due to some conflicting schedules, I was given a new part.

Envy.

I have to wear a "flattering" dress and strut around the stage like a model whilst another girl stares enviously.

I'm going to feel like a FOOL. My confidence concerning the way I look isn't exactly SKY HIGH. I'm just going to think everyone's laughing at me.

Oh WELL.

In other news, SUNDAY.
That is all.

je suis tired

Today has been far too stressful for my poor little brain to handle.

Tomorrow will be less stressful I hope, with more chance of sitting and quite possibly sleeping.

Tomorrow I think I'm doing some work as an extra for this film made almost entirely by young people, with the help of some professionals.

One of my favourite people ever just signed in on MSN. Dammit. I wanted to blog, put my pyjamas on and then go to SLEEP. I doubt he'll be here long. Fleeting moments and all that.

What was I saying? Oh yes, the film. All I have to do is wear a school uniform and walk around a bit, so I'm not too fussed. Who knows, it might even be successful one day and my starring role as 'school girl number 104' will forever be immortalised.

Tomorrow, I should also really try and get me some of that motivation.

too early

It's 5 to 7 in the morning and I'm hurriedly completing an essay that I just couldn't handle last night. It'll be awful, but honestly I couldn't care less.

I used to be such a conscientious student.

Something horrible happened yesterday and I fear my mind will be fixated on it all day.

I have a silly school photo to be in today and there's no way on earth I'm going to look halfway decent for it. Oh well. My parents are used to awful school photos. It's not like you'll be able to see me anyway. I'll wear a bin bag with confidence and say it's all the rage in France.

Or, y'know, I'll wear something normal and fade into the background of so many people's lives.

Either way.

rawr

I have so much work to do it actually hurts a little bit.

But let's not talk about that. Let's talk about better things than that.

This week has been bizarrely good. I saw lovely people and went to a ridiculously awesome animal place (it's not a zoo and I don't know what else to call it) and the sun shone and it was just generally good (if ever so slightly confusing at times).

Next week I go back to college, which I'm actually looking forward to (despite the fact I haven't done nearly enough work as I should have done). And I get to do some dramary stuffs with some churchy people and that's always fun.

This is pretty atrociously written but I don't really care. It's sunny out and I'm happy :)

If this isn't love, I don't know what is.

My top has a lion on it. Awesome.

capitalisation

Let's not discuss the lack of writing yesterday. If nobody mentions it then it's like it never happened. Which technically it didn't.

I was re-reading some of my earlier entries and I realised that I often seem to go from one extreme to another with my writing. It's probably because I'm not very good at putting my thoughts down on paper (or whatever the technological version of that phrase is) when I'm in a steadier state of mind. I have so much more to say when I'm flying high or hitting rock bottom. Perhaps not exactly coherent, but certainly more.

So today, I'm going to speak normally about those relatively dull things that everyone else seems to be able to make entertaining. No pretentious literary techniques here, no sirree (how the hell do you spell that?).

I've been rehearsing the past few days for what is slowly becoming The Bain Of My Existence (TBOME). We're performing a reworked version of the Greek tragedy Medea (did I mention I do Classics? When I say my life is tragic, I literally mean it) and it's taking over my life. We're all far too apathetic about the whole thing and the less said about that the better.

I'm re-reading The Odyssey at what can only really be described as a snails pace. I think I remember liking it the first time round. But that seems a very long time ago right now. The language is archaic (which I don't mind at all, and really why would I expect anything different?), but when it seems like all the characters do is offer their guests food and pour libations you get a little bit tired of it all.

Today, I'm going to go and MAKE AMENDS.
Also, consume copious amounts of caffeine and feel atrociously sick afterwards.

I got the nicest (screw you English teachers, NICE is a NICE way of describing NICE things) of emails this morning. GOOD START!

haiku

Saw some animals.
I had a really good time.
Going to sleep now.

epic poetry

It's funny how it's the little unexpected things that always make my day.

The last 20 minutes of conversation has had me positively beaming. I'm so lucky to know the people I do.

Today I've read some of The Odyssey. I decided to try and make it more interesting I'd read it out loud. Whilst stood in the middle of my living room, reading and half acting it out, my brother tapped on the window with a sort of distinct curiosity.

The conversation went something like this...

Him: You're weird.
Me: I'm a drama student.
Him: Yeah. You're weird.

I should really read some more but I don't want to. I want to sit and talk to the people I love and revel in my own confusion.

teenage kicks

My life is absolutely ridiculous.

Least I'm not angsty about it.

brain tax

I didn't realise thinking of something interesting to say every day would be quite this taxing.

I've come to the conclusion that I like looking forward to the future. And I like thinking about the past. But they both make me incredibly sad. How quickly time is flying past me. I hope I do some wonderful things that one day I will look back on filled with joy and sadness.

In other news I'm absolutely awful at living in the now.

I want(/need) something to happen. Something that'll change the way I look at my life or simply make me appreciate it a little bit more. It's been so long since anythings happened that's worth daydreaming over or worth forgetting myself a little bit for.

It's sunny (I'm British, get over it) out today, and I'd really quite like to go to the park with some lovely lovely people.

Life, you're so confusing. I love thee.

incoherent

It's Easter and my thoughts are all over the place.

Normal (better) blogging will resume tomorrow.

stuff of legend

This is my blog and I'll talk about whatever the hell I like.

Therefore I make absolutely no apologies for what is about to come.

I love Doctor Who. I absolutely adore it. So much so, that a little part of my soul belongs to it. It's fantastical and wonderful and pure magic. Even when the plot is becoming near invisible, I'm always thoroughly entertained by it. The cast is rarely flawless (though David Tennant is constantly brilliant and carries even the most dire of episodes) and the monsters are sometimes a bit unusual. I don't like all of Russell T Davies' decisions, nor (dare I say it) do I like Rose. But it's spectacular. Not only does it takes you on these extraordinary adventures throughout time and space but it demands you to think and to expect something more of humanity and to question authority and to not take anything sitting down.

A little bit of impossibility goes a long way.

I love Doctor Who for all the same reasons I love literature. Sometimes I think I need to remind myself of that fact.

i'll gamble away my fright

I was going to be a complete and utter cheat and just fill today's entry with quotations, but I decided instead to talk about music. One gorgeous band in particular.

Beirut.

The only way to describe them, is to ask you to imagine a group of people coming together in a little hamlet or town with their own battered instruments and just playing. Playing to celebrate. With life and soul and love. But anything I say about them won't do them justice. I implore you to go and listen to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R781LDKOVJE&feature=channel_page

I've been feeling so very empty lately. I find myself hating the writers I adore because I think it's easier to blame them for this feeling. Maybe all they've ever really done is give metaphors and analogies to this feeling. My very own bell jar.

I don't know if I'm glad nobody reads this or not.

expression of self

To explain the lack of update, I was in Canterbury yesterday with no computer or Internet.

I think on this occasion nothing was better to the something that you got the day before yesterday.

My sincerest apologies.

Canterbury was gorgeous. I like the course and I liked the people that I met. Edinburgh will always be in the back of my mind, but I suppose that can't be helped. It feels like it was destined to be part of the fabric of my being. I have no doubt in my mind that I'll be there one day. Just not in the way I had originally anticipated.

There was a first year student that sat with us at lunch yesterday and he said two things that particularly resonated with me. Firstly that he was doing the whole ambassador thing because he liked talking to people, he just didn't really get the chance to do it very often. And secondly that words could not convey how much he adores literature. I was envious of him, because I realised that I felt exactly the same, I just never say it. How beautifully and brutally honest it was as well. It felt like he was made up of every single piece of writing he's ever read. That he thinks the essays are easy, not because they necessarily are, but because he's absolutely fascinated by what he does.

Maybe I was reading a little too much into him.
Then again, I am a literature student <3

apathy

Off to a University thing.

Officially the worst blog ever.

Soz.

apparel

I don't know what time I'll be getting in tonight, so I'll do this now, in case (god forbid) I get in after midnight. We wouldn't want that now would we?

Yet another unusual day (I am beginning to question what precisely a normal day would consist of), but you don't want to hear about that.

Instead you can hear about just how long it's taking me to decide what to wear tonight.

Girls judge. People judge in general, but girls are awfully good at it. And awfully quick at it too. I've got changed more times than I can count already (and I'm not due out for another 45 minutes) and I simply don't know how to present myself. I want to look comfortable, but not so far as wearing jogging bottoms. I want to look ever so slightly quirky without looking like a complete fashion disaster. I want to fake a sense of self-confidence and depth without looking completely up my own arse.

And most importantly?

I don't want to look exactly the same as everyone else that's going to be in that room.

I'm so tired of forcing myself to fit in where I don't belong.

Metaphors revolving around clothes are the BEST kind of metaphors.

seventeen forever

The party last night was...bizarre. In so many different ways.

I wore a dress that had apples on it. Intrigued? You should be.

It's the Easter holidays now. A whole two glorious (revision filled) weeks of no college. Yet Sunday's still have the same feeling as they always do. A sense of lethargy coupled with an expectancy and impatience for the coming week.

I'm filled with a sense of nostalgia and awareness at the moment. I'm painfully aware of what September is going to bring and how everyone's growing up and how I can't shake this feeling of dread. I love my life. I adore my friends. I want to carry on feeling infinite and like the summer will be endless. Seventeen forever.

I think maybe this writing a little bit every day is good for me. Maybe it's not. Who cares? It's merely a blip in my life. A momentary endeavour.

I need to go listen to something happy and talk to someone good.

take a moment

I write this in a rushed state as I'm about to go and get ready and I should really be out the door in 15 minutes. Not going to happen.

I've been thinking a lot about life recently. It's beauty, complexities and most importantly the transient nature of it.

I've been reading a lot of Shelley, which is undoubtedly both a blessing and a curse.

Must dash, will edit this later.

Edit - I'll just make the next entry better than this one.

excuses, excuses

Apologies for how late this post is. I am perfectly aware that it's no longer the 3rd, but I've had a busy day and it's my blog and I'll do what I like with it.

So there.

I have no wish to be coherent or interesting in this blog, so you may wish to leave right about...now.

My day consisted of wearing a summery lovely dress and being judged by all who saw it, going to Manchester, seeing JASON MRAZ in Manchester (he was epic), going to a 'Geek Party' (I didn't need to dress up anyway) and then going home with some weird drunk people in the car.

It's been a surreal day and I think I'll reflect on it tomorrow when I have time, but for now my bed beckons me with promises of comfort and the cold side of the pillow in the morning.

empty vessels

I have a sneaking suspicion that blogging every day is going to be about making tiny insignificant aspects of my life have more importance than they actually deserve. It's OK though. I'm good at that.

However, today something happened that I think is worth sharing. Not for the reader's sake, but for my own. I said au revoir to a friend. I won't be seeing him for a little over 3 weeks now and that makes me sad. I think I've just become so used to him being a permanent fixture in my life that I don't like the idea of him not being around for so long. Even the people that are supposed to be permanent fixtures in my life have ended up being nothing more than empty promises and half forgotten memories. I think the people I surround myself with now are far different to that. We'd never have to fight for our friendships to survive, because we'd never let it slip away from us due to something silly and petty. Indeed it might be the case that we can barely fill up a dining table for prom, but it's quality not quantity.

I try so hard to imagine people complexly, but some girls can often seem like such vacuous beings. With no want to be anything other than empty vessels. Maybe that's a tad judgemental and it's a bit too much like a sweeping generalisation for my liking. But that's how I feel.

On a completely different note, (one that will undoubtedly make me seem like an empty vessel myself) I bought a new dress today. Hurrah for the summer sun and the dreadful materialistic side it brings out in us all.

Blog Every Day in April

Or BEDA for short.

A snippet of my life every single day of April. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up (lack of Internet allowances may have to be made at points) for the entire month. I'm good at starting things but awful at the middle bit.

I warn you now, my life is incredibly boring. I'd get out while you still can.

I got my college report today. The best line from the entire thing was from my form teacher (who, of course, has no clue what I'm like), and it read as follows...

"Sara is a studious and sensible member of the form group who is popular with her peers."

Oh the irony.

Now if you'll excuse me, I really should be writing an essay about Shelley's views on life, death and mortality...