The Continuation of Life

I've realised that more often than not I don't really use this as a blog. I suppose you could argue that the scraps of writing I post here must be a blog, some of them provide a look into my every day being, but generally they're just full of vague clichés. In light of this I have decided I should probably start to talk about my actual life, rather than the metaphors I create around it. I can be relatively honest here too; none of my friends know that it exists, nor do I plan on telling them about it any time soon.

I feel at a loss. A complete and utter loss. Despite all my wishing and all my hoping I know I'm not going to get into the university I've been dreaming of for years. I don't know who I am or where my life is going. I used to have all these great ambitions, but I can barely see them anymore. I'm sat listening to things that I know will only make me feel worse, but I can't help myself. It's a train wreck for the ears.

There are so many things I've been keeping to myself for so long and I just can't find the courage to talk to anyone about them. Whenever I try, I end up convincing myself that my problems are superficial and will only irritate anyone willing to listen, either that or they'll just get bored. I suppose that's me underrating my friends, but when you're stuck in a certain mindset it's difficult to get out of it.

I'm never going to amount to anything, and it scares me more than anything else in the world.