I have a love-hate relationship with nostalgia.
Can you imagine not remembering the tiniest moments of your past that define the very person you are? The moments of clarity, confusion and pure hysteria. The running across bridges at sunset and the twirling in bookshops. Moments of pure infinity. The tears you cried when you found out he wasn't everything you once thought. I adore the past; it's safe but it's precarious and so very dependent. Step on a butterfly.
You'll never get them back. You'll never get to be the 4 year old that's allowed to run into their dad's arms when they're scared. You'll never get to do any of that ever again. No matter how much you wish, not matter how much you long for it.
Looking into the future is a kind of nostalgia too. Looking forward, knowing one day that you'll be looking back, thinking the exact same things that you do now. And what if the decisions you make aren't the right ones? What if you never amount to anything but a few tired clichés on a page?
What if you made a mistake, and the boy you think you don't want anymore is the one you ultimately need.
What if him being willing to change everything for you isn't what's necessary. What if what you really need, is to change everything for him.
Why can't for one minute you pretend you're somebody else and just take that step into the unknown.
I'm so scared of everything.
Hold my hand.
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